Get out!
Right now.
Don’t just
sit there!
Run, run
like the wind.
Don’t pass
go. Don’t collect $200. (Don’t go to jail either.)
It’s not
worth it.
Let me
shout it at us, IT’S NOT WORTH IT!
Oh no, we
aren’t listening.
It is too
late.
We have
become what no one should be.
A
seat-filler.
Or, in
other terms, a safety net. A bench warmer. A back up plan. An in case of
emergency plan. An insurance policy. The runner up. The silver medalist. The
perpetual number 2 or 3 on the list. Pigeon holed. Put in the “friend” zone. On
constant standby.
Some of you
know exactly what I am talking about. You were burned before. Maybe you are
still burning.
For those
that have no idea what I am talking about stick around because if you haven’t
ever been a seat-filler my guess is that you have sat next to one.
Before I go
on let me explain what I mean.
I used to
enjoy watching award shows.
While I
watched, I laughed at the sometimes-funny jokes, enjoyed the musical numbers
and scanned the audience.
The seats
were always filled. Always.
Don’t
celebrities have to use the restroom? Is that part of the reason why they are
famous? You need good looks and camel-like bladders?
It was a
mystery.
Then one
night back in college, one of my friends in the dorm came back all decked
out. She said she had just come
back from an awards show in which she was an official seat-filler.
She stood
off in the sides and when a celebrity went up to present an award, scoot out
early or use the restroom, she was escorted to their seat and sat down. She
wasn’t allowed to talk to the “talent,” her job was to keep the space occupied
until the celebrity came back. She was basically ignored by George Clooney.
And that is
what I mean by seat-filler. You fill the space next to someone until the “real”
person comes along. (This is different than the park bench relationship, which
is mutual.)
The
seat-filler is an awful place to be despite the clothes you may get to wear and
whom you may get to sit next to.
You are
temporary. Someone who looks the part but isn’t the part.
And it is
very common.
Why?
I think a
reason so many of us get caught up in this false relationship is simple.
We don’t want to be alone.
We would
rather be with another person who isn’t exactly what we want or doesn’t love
us back than be by ourselves.
This kind
of relationship is not based on truth.
This
phenomenon happens in nearly every kind of relationship. Romantic, co-worker,
friends, families.
But for the
sake of time, I will stick to the romantic kind, but please know, the same
principals apply to all types.
Here is
what it looks like in a romantic context: Two people are friends. One person,
the seat- filler, has romantic feelings for the other person that may or may
not be expressed (or in some cases may or may not be known). The other person,
the wanted-one, does not. These two people will spend a lot of time together.
Will enjoy each other’s company. Will look like and sometimes act like a
couple.
There is a
problem. They aren’t a couple.
The
seat-filler will always go above and beyond to express their love and affection
for the wanted-one by being totally thoughtful and doing the dirty work. They
will do things like buy presents just because, making sure their car has gas in
it, being a shoulder to cry on, an airport picker upper, a therapist and the go
to hang out buddy when the wanted-one is bored. The wanted-one allows this to happen because it is flattering, they like the attention.
The seat-fillers are
usually taken for granted. Despite this they will perform their duties with
relish. Hoping that if they hang on long enough, the wanted-one will have a
change of heart.
Cue the
romantic comedy finale, probably either in the rain, in a restaurant, airport
or sporting event.
Kiss! And
scene…
Except
99.9% of the time, that never happens.
The story
ends badly.
Here is
what really happens.
The
seat-filler tries to make plans with the wanted-one. (Because the seat-filler
is always the one making plans.) And suddenly the wanted-one is busy. All the
time. And then poof! They disappear.
At first
the seat-filler wonders why they were kicked out of their seat. Something isn’t
right. Things seemed to suddenly change. And then it dawns on them. The
wanted-one found the person who they really wanted to fill the seat.
Or this
happens. These same two friends who spend a good deal amount of time together
will have an awkward conversation someday. The seat-filler will work up their
courage to express their feelings…
And get
shut down.
Sometimes
tactfully, sometimes not.
(In my
case, I had one guy not bother to sit up during the conversation. He remained
in a reclined position. Ouch.)
Oh yes,
that is why I am writing this, for years and years I was the queen of the
seat-fillers.
I spent so
much time in the friend zone they named a city after me. It’s called FalseHopeCarrieVille
And it thrived for years.
I can’t
tell you how many times I sat across from guy friends and wondered what I was
missing. Why we could laugh and talk for hours at a time and then they would
tell me about their latest girl problems. Or keep telling me how great I was
but then date girls who treated them poorly.
I would
beat my head up against a wall when guys would say how comfortable they were
around me and then complain about how high maintenance or needy their
girlfriend was.
How they
would smile and laugh with me and then turn into these sullen, whipped boys
around their crushes whom they could never quite please.
I would be
dumbfounded. Frustrated. Flabbergasted.
If I heard,
“You’re such a good friend” one more time I would lose it.
Hello!! Why
not me? Give me a shot!
Didn’t they
know how much more fun we would have? How much more I would enjoy them? How
sweet I would be to them? How good I would be to them? How much I try to be a
good person in general? How much I would love them?
Friends
with benefits sounded great to me. Make it official and we are golden.
It was
never golden though. That was for the people on the stage. Not for me. Not for
seat-fillers.
Well,
FalseHopeCarrieVille is barren now. No life there at all.
And good
riddance.
Here is the
stone cold hard lesson I needed to learn.
And what I
hope to pass on to someone who is sitting in a taken seat.
I was the
one who sat down.
I was the
one who let them treat me that way.
I was the
one that decided that the best that I could get was less than the real deal.
I let
someone’s opinion of me matter more than my own hopes, dreams and desires.
I let
someone else define my worth.
And when
you do that, you are willing to settle to be a seat-filler.
And guess
what, the wanted-ones can smell that a mile away. And they act accordingly.
How about
another cold hard truth?
Maybe they
just didn’t like me that way. (I still think I would have made some of them
happier but whatever.) For reasons shallow or deep, their heart didn’t connect
with mine.
And that’s
okay.
But what is
no longer okay is for all of us to keep doing this to each other. (Chances are
most of us have been both.)
It is time
to stop.
If you are
the wanted-one in the relationship do the situation a favor. Have the courage
to back away. Don’t take advantage of someone. If you care about that person
release them. Think about the other person more than yourself and let them go.
Be honest with what you want. What you really want.
If you are
the seat-filler…
GET OUT OF
THE SEAT!
Do you hear
me?
GET OUT OF
THE SEAT!
Put on your
tux or your dress. Walk around like the low maintenance, highly enjoyable, sweetheart, wonderful
catch that you are.
Be
respectful. Tell the truth. Don't settle for scraps.
Just
because the wanted-one didn’t want you doesn’t mean you aren’t wanted, it just
may not be by them.
Here is the
big take away though.
You are
wantable!
You are the
wanted-one too!
Now get up
and act like it.
Show
everyone you can be a nice (guy/girl) and give kisses that will knock their
socks off. And if you don’t know how, show them that you will enthusiastically
learn how.
Strut your
stuff.
Find your
own seat.
And when
you sit down and someone comes and asks you if the seat next to you is taken be
honest with yourself and with them.
Remember: A
whole person by themselves is better than a half person in a half relationship.
You deserve
to be the celebrity.
Join me and
make a pledge to never be a seat-filler again.
Take that
Clooney.
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