Put your
hands up?
She wants us
to what?
When Beyonce
sung her battle anthem “All the single ladies put your hands up” I couldn’t
help but think she was crazy.
I don’t want
to.
Put my hands
up? What, acknowledge to myself and to the world that I am single? Why?
Everyone else already knows. Take one look at my facebook page and you can
tell. My doctor knows. My car loan company knows. Shoot. The IRS knows.
My grandma
knows too but she probably wants to forget.
Singleness.
Why oh why
am I even bringing this up?
I am not
sure. Perhaps I will find out as I go.
I am in
dangerous territory here.
Writings
about singleness come in many different forms: the whiny, the hopeful, the how
to date, the how to love yourself while you are waiting, and the how to avoid
getting pregnant. (and certain kind of positions…)
Mostly, it
is advice on how to get out of it.
And who
doesn’t? Want to get out of it I mean.
We all know
that in our culture and in most hearts being in a pair is preferred.
And why
wouldn’t it be? We long to be in intimate loving full relationships with
people. To be known.
And let’s
face it. Sex is an awesome thing. Combine the two… wow!
That's what
we want. And it shows.
Coupling is
everyone. TV. Ads. Movies. Fairytales. Restaurants. Holidays.
Hallmark doesn’t
do a singleness day. Maybe the closest thing now is a Halloween and since I
have no desire to dress like a slutty bus driver perhaps I am out of luck.
Singleness.
Freedom or a modern second class citizenship?
I should
pause here before I start to sound like a Sex in the City voiceover and start
again.
Deep breath.
I am
dreading to write about singleness because if I were really REALLY honest, to
write about it would mean that I have to confront the shame surrounding
it. The shame I sometimes feel myself.
And to
acknowledge the shame, we need to acknowledge the stigma.
And we
singles know (especially us older singles know) the stigma exists.
Boy do we
ever.
Every time
we check that box. We feel it.
Singleness,
like marriage, isn’t easy. And while there are mountains of books and classes
on how to have a better marriage, the sections about living your best life as a
party of one are a lot more sparse.
There is a
lot of suffering in silence.
I know a lot
of wonderful beautiful people who struggle with singleness. Some embrace it
valiantly. Some wrestle with it. Most of us do both.
I started to
think about these wonderful people and how they live their lives. These people
who are some of the most loving, best looking, most humble, most selfless
people I know.
I got a
little angry. And here is why.
We don’t
talk about singleness. We just try and fix it.
And you know
what? These wonderful, beautiful people don’t need to be fixed. They need to be
heard. They need to be understood. They need someone to walk alongside them as
they are treading through this world.
Sometimes
all alone.
I want to
try and put some words to that aloneness.
And if you
want to roll your eyes and be frustrated with me as I describe, that's fine.
Call me
bitter and whiny. I understand.
Want to know
a secret? A part of me in my darkest days agrees.
Why am I
doing this?
Singleness.
I want to
explain some of the struggles I have heard from so many of my friends who are
single or were single for a long time. (Things I
have felt myself. ) Because
maybe if we all share our struggles, perhaps we will find we have a lot more in
common than we think.
And we can
understand each other a little bit better.
And then
connect.
Make us all
feel a little less alone.
So here it
goes, in all its raw form.
Singleness
means…
Dreading
every time you go to any social event. Not only because you go and leave alone,
but because you know you will be asked really personal questions by people with
no business asking. (I swear, every time someone asks me if I am seeing
anybody I want to fire back, “No, how is your sex life going?)
Smiling
through many well intentioned but painful remarks. The following are all direct
quotes: “You are alone, aren’t you?” “ I don’t understand what you are going
through because I went straight from my father’s house to my husband's.” “You
are going to have to marry down.” “God is your husband.” “ You must be the
single one.”
Getting
unsolicited advice from people about dating. And it usually involves the person
having the solution to your problem in whatever way worked for them. “When I
stopped looking it happened.” “You have to really put yourself out there.” “He
wasn’t what I was expecting.” “I had just given up.” On and on it goes.
Listening to
unsolicited stories describing older singles who lived good lives, followed by
stories of people who got married just shy of a nursing home, followed by a
slap on the back or a rub of the shoulder with, “It will happen someday.”
Feeling awkward
when friends try to set you up and you don’t want to go out with so and
so, or you do and it doesn’t work out.
The “You are
so picky” speech. Or the “you aren’t getting any younger” speech. And the looks
and snide remarks you get about maturity. “When are you going to grow up and
settle down?”
Begging and
bribing someone to take you to the airport.
Being the
default hang out buddy. If a spouse is unavailable, you get the phone call.
“Oh, I have time tonight, spouse is busy, want to hang out?” I.E My first
choice is unavailable.
Being
strategic about who you tell what too. You don’t have a designated person, so
you play divide and conquer.
You are no
ones number one. In the event of a life crisis or the zombie apocalypse, the
best you can do is hope to be in someone’s top five when you need
support. (Btw, if this hypothetical is true, most of those crazy run
arounds in World War Z had E-harmony accounts.)
Embarrassing
when your close friends and relatives ask if there is someone special in your
life and you have to answer no.
Feeling even
worse when they stop asking.
Holidays can
be painful. And I mean the whole Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day block.
(Did I mention in a cruel twist of fate my birthday is on New Years Eve?...)
Wanting to
shoot the next person who suggests you try online dating.
Hating the
way you look because you have to have that perfect online profile. Swipe right
or left.
The milk and
meat expire because they go bad before you can finish all of it.
Your heart
feels like it is going through a shredder as it rises and falls with every hope
and disappointment.
Feeling
frustrated when people complain about their spouses for doing something small
while casually mentioning something amazing they did.
People wondering
or flat out asking if you are gay.
Home Depot
trips are interesting.
You hate
Facebook.
Being
jealous of those coupled folks who walk around being cared for, loved and
appreciated on a daily basis and have had it so long they don’t even notice it
anymore.
Being
dismissed by married friends when you are expressing your hardships with the,
“marriage is hard, you don’t know how good you have it.”
The painful
process of putting yourself out there, over and over again.
Looking at
the future and being terrified of going through it alone.
Watching
others have a child, than another, than another. Babies. Babies everywhere.
Wondering if
you will ever have children. And watching the door close a little every
passing year.
What is
family time?
Prudish or
sluttish. Certainly not human.
Crying in
your car.
Watching
every couple walk by holding hands. They hold hands everywhere. In restaurants,
parking lots, gyms, ball games, Target, church.
Being
depressed after you sit for several minutes in the doctors office trying to
decide which friend would be the most practical emergency contact.
Psyching
yourself up for weddings with the Rocky theme beforehand and alcohol or ice
cream afterwards.
Tight
budgets. If you want two incomes you need to work two jobs.
Feeling like
a 35 year old in a quinceanera dress.
The sense
that the train left the station, it's too late, the clock already struck
midnight, the prince/princess didn’t show up.
Being told
you don’t need a will because you really don’t have anyone to leave your
possessions to anyway. (True Story)
Worrying
about retirement and if you will have enough. And being more terrified that if
you don’t you wonder, "who is going to take care of me?"
Not
celebrated. No showers, no rings, no veils, no anniversaries. We don’t
celebrate your promotion. Only your birthday, that you have to plan.
Crying
yourself to sleep sometimes.
Deciding not
to cry sometimes because you know you don’t have the energy to both break down
and pull yourself back up again.
Going to bed
alone.
Waking up
alone.
Envy. Guilt.
Repeat.
Carrying
burdens you don’t even know you are carrying.
Wanting to
be hopeful and succumbing to bitterness more times than you want to admit.
Feeling all
alone in a crowded room full of friends.
A broken
heart.
Going days
without having any physical contact with another human being.
Singleness
can be hard.
And really really lonely.
I should
pause here because I understand that married people can be very lonely too.
The only
thing worse than an absent partner may be the presence of one.
But the
stigma persists.
For better
or for worse.
And I think
there is a reason why.
No one wants
you.
You didn’t
get picked.
If you are
not in a relationship you are haunted by something.
Something
everyone is thinking (or you think everyone is thinking) but no one wants to
say out loud.
Why are you
still single?
What the
question is really asking is this:
What is
wrong with you?
And if I
were really honest that question haunted me for a long time. I think because I
was asking myself.
What is
wrong with me?
It took me
too many years of wrong answers before I came up with the right one. And if I
can speak into the stigma and shorten those years for anyone else right now I
will.
I guess that
is why I am writing this.
What was the
question?
Oh, yeah.
What is wrong with me?
What is
wrong with us?
The short
answer?
Nothing.
The long
answer?
Well… many
things. But as I look around at my married friends, I don’t really see a
difference.
So how do we
break the stigma, or, at least live in spite of it?
Me
personally? I used to do one of two things.
Hide away
and hope no one would see me.
Or say screw
it. I don’t need relationships or being vulnerable or (gasp) to be dependent on
anyone. I dreamed up a fantasy clothing line. One with a low cut t-shirt with
the word spinster across the chest and tight pants with the words Old and Maid.
One for each
cheek.
Hiding or
defiant.
But
lately there is a third way.
For those
that can relate and for those that need hope. Here is where I am landing.
After many
(too many) years of living in the shadow of my married friends. Of struggling
with the big questions. I finally decided to come to the end of mine.
Am I worth
it?
Am I really
truly worth it?
And I don’t
mean of love, that is a huge part of it, but more than that.
Does my
inherent worth depend on my relationship status?
No.
No.
No.
Am I worth
it?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
I had to
answer that question over and over before it started to sink in.
I had to dig
deep to get there.
And I had to
do with a lot of messages flying in my face telling me the opposite. Some of
those faces were even my most familiar.
Say it with me.
Say it again
and always singletons.
I am worth
it.
It feels
good.
Alright Ms.
B. I will put my hands up. Sometimes with smiles, sometimes with tears,
sometimes asking for a hug.
Hopefully,
always with truth.
We are worth
it.
As we
are.
I am worth
it.
As I
am.
And instead
of looking for someone to try and convince me of that, I am waiting for someone
who agrees with me.
Is he out
there?
I honestly
don’t know.
But I am
going to be okay either way.
Either way I
will do my best to live a life of worth.
Full, rich,
loving, sexy, adventurous.
Free.
Stigma free.
Dear friend, you are worth it because Jesus says so. And I think you're worth it. Thank you for sharing, for your vulnerability, and your honesty.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't ever imagine being this vulnerable to share feelings of what singleness means to me. Your words cut deep, so deep I was lost as if I myself where writing them down. I am so truly touched by your words of expression, and I'm filled with sorrow, pain, joy and hope. You are worth it my sweet friend Carrie! We are all worth it!! -Julia
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