After many years and obstacles the Holy Grail is found by Indiana.
There is a cost though, his father was shot in the process. The Grail is used
to save him. It does. It can also give eternal life but there is a catch. The
Grail cannot leave the place it was found. Indiana tries to take it with him anyway. He is hanging on to a cliff with his
father clinging on to one of his hands and the other hand reaching for the
Grail. He almost has it but doesn't realize how close to death he is. And then his father says, "Indiana, let it go."
Easy for Sean Connery to say.
Not so easy for us. Well, I shouldn't speak for you.
Not easy for me.
To let go. To relinquish control. To set someone or something
free.
To surrender.
To wave the white flag.
To release.
Now this theme of letting go has surrounded us all for awhile
thanks to the marketing genius of Disney and the power anthem from the movie
Frozen. And if you don’t know what I am talking about consider yourself lucky.
In Disney land letting go is a final victory. A big musical crescendo.
But I don’t think that letting go is that easy.
It just doesn’t look like an animation sing a long.
It is hard.
For some letting go is a situation that you are making worse
instead of just letting things play out.
For some that means letting go of your terms and conditions.
For some it is a person or a job that you want so badly that it
hurts but you know there is nothing you can do.
For some it is the death of a dream. Something you wanted badly
but it didn't pan out.
Or the death of a relationship, or special time in life.
Or you lost someone really special.
Or a desire. Surrendering the very thing we want most of
all.
That last one is hard. You may have years of yearning behind you.
Years of wrestling, years of hoping only to come to the end of story and find
the prince didn't come. You just have a shoe in your hand and bits of pumpkin
on your shirt.
You have watched others have a baby, get the job, get the
relationship, get the house, the body, the money, the promotion, the good fortune, the dream, the Holy
Grail.
You were left at the station.
Nothing happened.
So what happens when nothing happens?
I remember that tonight. I am sitting on a park bench near the
place I went to college. I came here to remember something that I lost.
Although I probably never really had it if I were honest. And years ago I had to let it go. And I did. But it hurt.
Like hell.
And all these years later specifics have changed by the desire has
not.
The dream remains deferred.
Now I know there are those out there that are screaming at the
screen saying Wait!" The story isn't over yet. There is still
hope!"
Yes, you are right. There is the George Bailey version of this
story. Where you get to the end and realize you have a wonderful life. That the
greatest thing you can ever really want you already have. It is a nice warm
story. It is about illumination. Gratitude.
And I know the other story too. The couple that finally stopped
trying conceived. The time when she or he stopped looking and that is when he
or she showed up. The rejection at work that lead to the dream job. The let go
that lead to the wow.
But here is the catch. To really let go, you have to let go of
those stories too. Because sometimes, it is hard to admit but true, sometimes
those stories don't happen.
Sometimes things happen that shouldn't happen and the things that should happen don't.
We live in a world of Charleston, Syria, disease, war,
brokenness.
We live in a world where justice doesn't always show her face this
side of heaven.
Where many follow after a rabbi who is called the man of sorrows
and who died young.
Where many people fought good fights and died without ever making
it into the promise land.
We live in a world of suffering. Of pain. Of sorrow.
And in this place is the hardest thing to let go of.
The why.
To let go, to fully surrender to God or that which is greater than
you, is to let go of why.
We want some sort of answer so we can heal. Some sort of reason.
We really do.
And if we let go of the why we may get the happy ending or the
reason.
We may not.
We aren't guaranteed any outcome or an answer.
Sometimes the answer is silence.
We need to let go of the question.
To let go is awful and feels like hollowing wind ripping
through your heart. It is hollow. The thing that was taking up space is
gone.
You can choose not to let go. There is a problem though.
What you are holding on to is already gone.
Which brings me back to the bench.
I need to let go of something else too. Something I thought would
happen but it didn't. Something that I thought would turn out well but it
hasn't.
I remember the day I began this journey. The dream given was unexpected. Out of the
blue. I was so disoriented that I even fell and sprained my finger. To this day
I can't make a full fist with my left hand. The middle finger appears to be now
slightly deformed. Unable to bend properly. A tangible reminder of a specific
dream that didn't happen. (Is it ironic it is the middle finger?) It is a wound of a battle that I lost. I had to wave the white
flag.
And more than that, not only do I need to let go of the specific
dream. I need to let go of the dream itself.
If I am hanging on, how am I ever going to learn how to
trust?
If I am hanging on, how am I ever going to receive any gift?
Whether it is the gift I want or not?
If I am hanging on how am I going to keep on journeying wherever the
path may lead if I don't keep up with the shepherd?
Let it go my father says.
So here is to flag waving. The I surrender kind.
Here is to the tears that follow.
And there are tears. Really big fat ugly tears.
And sorrow.
Funny though, as I sit here on this park bench.
I just heard church bells in the distance.
What are the bells for? A wedding? A funeral? Just the passage of
time? Are they mournful or hopeful? Or both?
Looks like I have to get off the bench to go find out.
That was really good, Carrie.
ReplyDeleteHere's to the letting go. -S