Back and forth. Back and forth.
Come closer it seems to say.
Back and forth.
I could tear you to pieces.
Back and forth.
I could eat you alive.
Back and forth.
I remember feeling two things: One, very glad for the bars
and two, empathy for that poor animal trapped in a little cage. It must be so bored and
pent up with emotion that all it can do is pace.
Or maybe it is acting on its natural instincts so
that all it can do is go back and forth because if it stops it may explode.
And that is exactly how I feel sometimes too.
Several years ago, I had a relationship that didn’t go the
way I wanted it to go. I realized I liked him and he realized that he needed to
move across the country. Which he did.
(Please don’t take out the violins, it is for the best I
know. Yada yada.)
Afterwards I was angry, hurt and confused. Pent up with
emotion. I stayed that way for months.
Now I am a praying person. (Sidenote: I don’t mean to make
you uncomfortable if you aren’t and I am not here to preach at you. I share
because it is part of my story and a part of this one. And please know I
whole-heartedly respect your story)
When I pray, I communicate my deepest groanings and longings of my soul. It is one of my purest forms of expression and a way I can connect to God.
After this man left my life I couldn’t pray. I felt like I
was numb.
I was wrong.
The first crack came while I was sitting in a field in Gettysburg.
I remember looking at the field where so many died. It was such a mournful
hallowed space. It was a beautiful field. My heart was moved. The protective
shell started to break, but it took sitting there in that scared place to begin
the process.
Days later, still cracked and still unable to pray, I found
myself on vacation in Wisconsin. I decided to jump on the Jet Ski.
In the beginning it started like a normal ride. I was alone
zipping over the water. My face was wet from the spray. I came down hard on the
waves. I was flying over the surface. I wanted to go chase something and run
away from something at the same time.
I remember that I yelled.
And then I realized I was mad,
really mad. And hurt, really hurt.
I began to feel so much. I felt I wanted to
burst open.
And I prayed. Well, it was more like a scream but it became
a prayer.
I was finally at a place where my surroundings and my
internal heart matched, roaring across open water heading to nowhere. In a
place where the angst, pain, fear, doubt, shock and anger in my heart felt safe
to express itself.
Eventually, I healed.
I remembered this moment because in the last several days I
can’t seem to stop moving. I find myself not being able to stay in one spot. I
pace. I pace some in morning. I pace some in the evening. I go for extra long
walks. I drive my car. I drive in my car a lot. I listen to a few lines of
music and then stop. I swing back and forth from tears to fears to elation. But
mostly, I pace.
Back and forth. Back and forth.
My heart is working something out.
And I know I need to let go and surrender. Embrace the unknown. I know I do. But like a
stubborn toddler I refuse to be quieted. Like a little child I need to exhaust
myself before I rest.
It is just how I am sometimes.
And I think that is okay. And I hope you feel it is okay for
you too.
I know that we live in a busy culture. I am not talking
about that. I am talking about allowing your thoughts and feelings to work
themselves in the way that they need.
I am talking about giving yourself permission to let your
heart speak to you in it’s own language. Mysterious that it is.
Sometimes your heart needs to move and therefore you do to.
If you find yourself in a cage somewhere I hope you give
yourself permission to let yourself out.
I said I know why the caged lion paces. And I do. But there is a difference between me and that poor animal.
And I think it is hope. The kind of hope that feels awful for a long time. But it is there. Waiting for us as we go back and forth.
This evening I went for a walk again. My heart still full
with many questions that either I don’t want to accept the answers to or they
haven’t presented themselves yet. I don’t even know which is which.
I feel many things but one of them is gratitude.
I sigh yes, but I also get to look up at the stars.
I may feel some really hard things but I am least feeling them.
And unlike some I feel that this too shall pass.
My heart is full and heavy but it is also free.
Live cageless.
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